6 In sickness and in health

Unlike all other promises that we make, which we tend to bend and break, the promises that we make to our children,(not to them directly! That candy you promised. Forget about it!) …yes so, the promises we make to them especially when they are still in the womb are never broken. We take those early promises, like” I will protect you and take care of you all my life and guard you against all the bad and evil things in the world” very seriously.

Right from day one we wash the babies clothes with disinfectants, scream at anyone who sneezes in the baby’s room, we have hand sanitizers all over the house, we wipe and clean all cupboards, floors every two hours when they start walking, we boil and cool their drinking water, we wash and scrub them every time they come back from the park, we deny them candies, ice creams, roadside food and lock them up in the house if we know there is HFMD going around among school kids. We do everything we can think of and yet the children fall sick. The first time they have a fever, cold and cough we are lost. We run to the doctor, monitor the temperature, keep records of it and pamper the child to the core. Slowly we learn to administer a few basic medicines and dare to wait for 3 days before going to the doctor, we give them a dose of medicine and send them to school anyway. We know when they are really sick and when they are faking it to bunk school. In any case, it is never easy for a mother to see her child getting sick… Our heart bleeds every time they complain of pain, we feel so helpless. We act strong and keep telling them that they’re going to be okay soon but we have this fear ourselves, we hope are pray every minute that it doesn’t get worse. We want our kids up and running ASAP. We leave all the housework aside, take leave from office and sit with them day and night just to keep them company. Nothing and no one is more important at that time. Once they get better, we are relived. The next day we miss the quiet house and start wishing that they sit in one place at least for a minute.

The reverse happens when you are sick, you want to sit down and do nothing, never get out of the bed and you want all the housework and cooking to be taken care of, by someone, by anyone…you want a fairy to come and make all the work disappear, you want her to make your children well behaved and mainly you want her to make it all quiet in the house, you don’t want to hear all that crying and howling. You just want to become invisible to everyone so that no one bothers you, you don’t need anyone to pamper you or look after you, and you just want them to leave you alone. That never happens.

You get out of bed, earlier than usual because you could never sleep in the first place, you cook, you get the kids ready, do all the housework, go to office and work, come back home, work again, and finally crash in bed, late after everyone is fast asleep hoping you get at least that 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

It is not that no one notices that you are sick, children will ask you,” what happened mummy?” and might even be the pretend doctor and give you a fake injection. They will run and get you a glass of water and ask “Are you feeling better now?” You wish that was enough to make you better. You lie and say you are all okay, thanks to the little doctor at home. Your husband will come and hand you a tablet to pop in, will offer to take you to the doctor too, but you know that kids cannot be left alone and you don’t want a family trip to the hospital where you will end up having more trouble keeping them entertained while you wait to see the doctor. You choose to stay at home.

 Being a mother gets you a lot of love, but it never gets you the rest you need. On days like this when you just want to lie in bed, the children just choose to be around you all the time. You want them around of course but you want that silence and sleep more which is then a deal-breaker to having their company.

Mothers always carry a lot of guilt, for the tiniest of things. On the days like these when they are unwell, it multiplies and you end up blaming yourself for falling sick as if you are not allowed to do that, you will blame the timing of the sickness, asking yourself why couldn’t it happen after my son’s exams? You will be unhappy about the gravity, a cold would have sufficed, why the fever and cough? With cold I could have managed to do more. You get worried and anxious as if your children are starving, seeing them (happily) eat a simple bread toast which your husband has managed to prepare. You see the laundry piling up and get scared that children will have to run out of clean clothes the next day. That’s not true, you have all those new ones lying around still with the price tag on, remember? Ah, but make sure to ask your husband to get their school uniforms washed and ironed, you don’t have many sets of those, do you? Leave from office is reserved only for children’s sickness, and now when you really are looking and feeling like shit, you will still show up at work. You come back home, help them with their homework, prepare dinner, put them to bed, again swallow a pill and hope that tomorrow you feel better, not for yourself, but because you can’t see the kids suffer eating the food ordered in and late bedtimes. (Which they are actually enjoying, no surprise there).So that is the story, we remain caregivers 24*7, no matter what else changes around us or within us. That is the promise you have made to your child, “I will look after you in (my) sickness and in health too”

5 Your kid, my kid

Photo by RUN 4 FFWPU from Pexels

Among other things, motherhood is probably one of the best soft skills training which sharpens many of your skills such as time management, leadership skills, problem-solving capabilities etc. Resolving a fight between your child and another one in the park, while all the other mothers are watching is one of the trickiest situations which helps you excel at diplomacy.

The reason why your child and his friend have become sworn enemies, is irrelevant. What you need to do is, repeat standard statements such as:

 “Kids, say sorry to each other, you are friends…it was a mistake”

“She is your friend, share your toys”

“You can all play here, take turns…” or something similar. You should not give up until the children get bored of listening to you resolve their fight and finally, realize that it is better to be friends and run away from you.
You may also warn your own child of the consequences if he does not stop fighting. One such acceptable warning (in public) is as follows:

“I will not allow you to go play for 1 day/ 3 days/ a week (progressing depending on his stubbornness to give in).

However, when it comes to the other kid, you have to be the sweetest and use the choosiest of words to convey the same message to give up fighting. You may not raise your voice. Most importantly, keep smiling.
Once you are back that the park bench, make it look like it was nothing. You must declare that you effortlessly resolved the issue, got the children to be best friends again. Do not give out any details about which child was at fault, who is the worst behaved or anything like that.

There is no point disclosing this information which only brings unhappiness to the mother concerned. It is an unsaid agreement between mothers to look out for each other’s children, scold them if necessary, and be assured that the other mothers are not going to judge you for that. We all know that it must be for some good, to protect the children from something dangerous, like touching an electrical pole in the park. All the children are the same here, they are all, at some point going to misbehave. So, we mothers are a team there, we are all in it together.

 Having said that, there are times when we literally dissect and criticize the parenting skills of the mother who isn’t there at the park on a particular day. There are mothers who proudly announce that their children eat all-natural, only natural stuff. Do we believe it? Not at all. There are those new mothers who say that their children do not know what chocolate is. Yes, we say, wait till he goes to school. No mother having two or more kids will probably say that. They are at a stage where if the child agrees to two spoons of rice for one M&M, we will rejoice and happily comply.

 New mothers have patience, they will shield the child from everything possible, and however as they start growing up or the second one arrives, all the patience vanishes. You just want to make sure the kid is safe and healthy; he is eating enough good stuff. You stop getting up and running to the child every time he falls in the park. You shout sitting on the park bench” You are brave. Come on, get up” and we get back to our conversation with the other mommies.

As the children grow up, you start expecting them to behave in a certain way and be the best at what they do. You start pushing them into all classes, learn guitar, learn karate, and go join weekend robotics. You start worrying over their exam results. You start comparing. Your child’s and achievements versus his peers. You get worried and frustrated over his lower grades, or cry foul if he doesn’t win some poetry recitation competition. We know it’s wrong, we know it’s not fair. We don’t show these emotions to our child. We say” well done, you will win the next time” and pat him on the back for participating.

The failure bothers you more. You start blaming yourself. I must be doing something wrong, or maybe I am not doing enough. How does the other lady manage it all? She seems to have everything under control, her child’s behaviour, his grades, his food, and the house!

 Being a mother is a tough job which is not appreciated enough. There is a no-growth as such, no appraisals, no recognition, and no interaction with people beyond a certain group, no monetary gain of course and is very monotonous. The contests, events that your child participates in bring you excitement, it gives you a chance to prove something, to others and to yourself. You put your heart and soul in the preparation and the child’s achievement becomes yours. They give you happiness, challenge, the appreciation that you crave for.

Mothers who are not working outside are very lonely these days. Being a nuclear family and staying in a city where you have no relatives or friends, perhaps in a place where you don’t know the local language, makes it tougher for you to meet new people, and interactions do not go beyond greeting one another. At such a point, when all your work and time is invested in your child, you feel like you need to rewarded, recognized for your masterpiece: your child. The failures of your child lead to mothers envying one another, sometimes even chiding your own child.

I have been fortunate to find friends while I went through these tough emotions. All you need is someone to hear you out when you are having a bad day. We mothers have a deep understanding of what we go through individually, and we assume that the other one has it better. Trust me no one has it better. We can go beyond thinking it is some kind of competition or race as to who has it all under control and rather just be companions in this journey.

4 The Gadget Gurus

I stood at the door impatiently as an old neighbour went on with her story about her grandson. The one who is just 3 years old but manages to unlock her phone with pattern lock, the smart one who knows which is the TV remote and brings it to her every time she asks for it and the little genius who opens YouTube on his mother’s iPad without any help to watch cartoons and yet is not ‘addicted’ to gadgets like my kids.

“Yes, Aunty! (I got your point) ” I replied.

“It is not good for them dear. They are adorable kids. See, they haven’t troubled you at all in the past one hour while we were talking” she said, probably to make me feel better.

I managed to smile thinking if I should tell her that the silence was only possible because I gave them each a phone and a tablet and pushed them in their room along with a steady supply of junk food. However, I did not disclose this secret to her thinking I should save her junk food lecture for her next visit.

As I closed the door I went from “mummy in front of others” to “mummy alone with kids’ avatar. Within seconds I felt like I was at a war. I realized that all the household work was behind schedule and the kids have been with their gadgets for long. Mothers are always in a hurry. They always have worked lined up and keep jumping from one task to another. They happen to always ‘see’ the pending work which is invisible to others in the house. Just I was about to start with the mission a selfish thought came to my mind. How about I let the kids watch a little longer while I finish the pending work. I knew, once the screens were off, they were going to be suddenly hungry, needy and clingy. After an intense analysis, I decided to finish work first before I start my negotiations to turn off phones with them. I was ready to live with the guilt that decision brought me. For anyone who would have questioned me, this was survival mechanism. The house needs to survive, the kids need to survive and most importantly my sanity needs to survive.

I was done quickly, sooner than I imagined and thought to myself, how about I have coffee in peace for a change and then deal with their gadgets? But mothers’ needs are never a priority compared to children’s well-being (and the guilt was getting heavy on heart) so I skipped the coffee plan and headed to the kids’ room.

My presence there was of course not acknowledged. I called out their names' number of times in an increasing volume. Finally, I got a reply “What!?”

“Well, you have been watching for long so it’s time to turn your phone and tablet off. Let’s finish the homework or go to the park to play.” I said very calmly hoping if I will be in the good books if I gave them an option of choosing between homework and play.

“No”.

“You don’t have a choice then. Give me the phone back. Go and solve some puzzle book or play down in the park”. I commanded this time.

“No”

Well, that didn’t work.  I decided to try bribing. I told the Lil one that she can wear her princess dress the whole day, even while sleeping and she readily agreed.

One down! Yay!

The elder one was about to ask for 5 more minutes when I said it first. Take them by the element of surprise: I read in the book, ‘The 33 strategies of war’.

“You have 5 minutes. Show me what you are doing”

I got a big smile from him and the next moment I started receiving an immense amount of information starting from filters for pictures, PUBG and tips to organize my Apps better so that he can find games easily.  I thought this is probably the most interesting topic to have a long conversation with my kids as for everything else I get a yes or a no.

My thought process was interrupted by his question thrown at me,” Do you know how to make play slime?”

“No, I don’t”

“It’s okay. I know how to find it out”. Within the next few minutes, my son had already listed down what he needs after watching YouTube tutorials on the slime. I was informed that we didn’t have most of the ingredients like borax and food colour at home. I tried to dodge the shopping trip for later when he came up with an immediate solution and gave me back my phone. I saw that he had already selected and added the items in my Amazon cart and he nudged me to initiate the payment. I was amazed and wondered how and when he had picked up on these things.

We finished our on-line shopping and went into the living room. I got comfortable on the bean bag and reached out to my phone again to socialize and let my friends know that I liked what they had for lunch and what they wore. I came across yet another article saying that children should not be given gadgets at all. I wished someone wrote how important it is for parents to introduce them to technology. They needed to know and it was the need of the hour else it would be terribly unfair to them not giving them this exposure. There are amazing documentaries on space, animals, sea world, science on the Internet that my son really enjoys watching and is only adding to his knowledge. Yes, he could learn from books, but the real-life visuals are stunning. They need to know how things like the Internet, smartphones, computers work. There are lovely shows exploring how things are made,taking you inside various factories and every time I watch it with my kids I wish I knew that. Don’t we resort to Google to ask about things we don't know? Do we really open an Encyclopedia every time? I believe in balance. In the allotted screen time, let them decide whether they are going to play games or watch a show. Households without televisions, kids who have never handled gadgets…well, I really think its bit far fetched. As long as you still have the final word on the screen time, and they are actively playing outside or practising some sport and studying of course,  I guess its all good.  I wonder how we would have been without video games, or without those hours spent watching Mahabharat, Shaktimaan or even the lovely Chitrahaar. Would I have been a better person than I am now? I know Shaktimaan didn't do any damage for sure!:)

 I thought of writing my opinion in the comments section of the article but then I let it go thinking every mother knows what is best for her child.

Just then the granny staying on the floor above me rang the doorbell. As I let her in, she started telling me how she misses her grandkids when they were little. She told me that they are now working in big companies and her son and daughter in law were very busy with their jobs too. She seemed a bit restless and I asked her if everything was okay.

She showed me her Nokia phone, the basic model and told me that it fell from her hand and broke. She was very worried that her family must be trying to reach her and she didn’t know to fix her phone. I offered to take a look at it but the task seemed more interesting to my kids who overheard our conversation.

They quickly took it from her hand and declared that it is not a big issue. My son put the battery back in, the back cover in its place and the little one pressed the ‘On’ button. As the welcome tune was played and the screen lit up, so did the granny’s face. She told me how smart my kids were and kept praising their generation for being so good with technology. I tried to tell her that I sometimes feel they might get addicted to it. She smiled and said” Don’t worry. They need to know what’s happening around them in their time. Weren’t you playing video games for long when you were small? I am sure you are controlling the time they spend with the phones. Don’t be so harsh on yourself. It’s all good. I hear you scolding them sometimes and it is needed.”

We talked for a little longer and she left. I felt much better and confident about my parenting style. Her words were comforting. She reminded me that there is no right or wrong parenting style, every house has its own rules. Just like we say every child is unique, why have the same set of parenting rules for everyone? Every mother has a different set of beliefs, strengths and challenges. Why can’t anyone just have faith in the mothers instead of pointing out their flaws? Having said that, mothers need to have faith in themselves first. No mother will let the kids overuse the gadgets, especially as we are aware the ill effects of prolonged use ourselves. 

I turned back to see my son grinning. I realized that he knew, that it was a good time to get all that praise from me and probably tell me “See, I told you, you need to let me have the phone and TV longer.” I decided to shake off the doubt, worry and guilt the topic and celebrate the fact that the kids had probably learned a thing or two from exploring gadgets. So, I asked him if he could show me how to code and build a game like he did a couple of days earlier with his father.

He said excitedly” Of course! I will teach you.”

“Thank you Guruji,” I said smilingly.