3 Lost and found: My shape, my sense of fashion and my identity

It is no surprise that we all worry about how many kilograms we put on during pregnancy and how many we will manage to shed afterwards. Our mother and mother-in-law will make sure we look like pumpkins by the end of the second trimester. They say we need to eat for two. Initially, I found it ridiculous. Later as I was always hungry, I did it anyway. I saw it as the only opportunity to eat your favourite food to your heart’s content without watching the calories:)

Thoughts on how we are going to lose all this extra weight are pushed away during that time as we are busy reading books on pregnancy and the baby. The minute the baby is pushed out into the world, everyone is suddenly concerned about your football-shaped tummy. They will point it out to you every second and give tips, use a belt, start exercising and control what you eat. You feel the pressure. New mothers spend sleepless nights not only because of the baby but also because of this stress. We no longer feel beautiful. When we look at ourselves in the mirror all we see is stretch marks,under-eye dark circles, and fat. There is no time to eat or sleep for mothers in nuclear families, let alone exercise. Those who have some family support, have it better, but still exercise does not top the priority list. As the little ones start growing up, we get busy with their health, food, sleep. We even start worrying about school admissions but we do not find time for ourselves. Sometimes we stress-eat, like a bar of chocolate just to make you feel better on a tough day. It all adds up and the day when you upload your picture with the kid, you drown in sorrow. Heartless and insensitive people who are your ‘friends’ on social media post comments like," You are as chubby as the baby! Much love!”, “Are you pregnant again?”

You decide to ignore at first, then you feel like clearing their doubt, finally, you just post smileys and say thank you and then cry alone at night. You decide to start exercising and eating better. It works on some days but other days you are just so tired. You lack sleep, you are not eating on time, you have housework piled up, the baby is sick. You feel you have lost it all. No one tells you that it’s okay to put on a few kilos, give yourself time and wait till you are ready. Being a mother is a hard and thankless job. There, I said it!

Trust me a day will come when you feel that you have better control over the situation and that day you will start working on yourself. You will make time to work out, you will eat right and lose that extra baggage. Of course, for most of us, we are never going to look the same again. We all wonder how celebrities manage to get back in shape. Maybe if we have dietitian, a nanny and a stylist with us around the clock we can compete. But we don’t. It is a one-woman show. So let’s be practical. We want to be fit and healthy, that’s the first goal. Fitting into the Jeans you wore before the baby that comes next.  Feeling good again is all that matters. Look at the brighter side; as the old clothes don’t fit you, you get to shop. How good a deal is that! Throw in a pair of shoes you like, that perfume you always wanted and maybe a cool handbag in that shopping cart along with the clothes. Afterall only a  happy mother can raise happy children, isn't it?

Once you are back from the shopping and have laid all the new clothes on the bed, it will dawn upon you that this time you have picked up clothes in sizes larger than you actually need. You reason that you just don’t want them too tight anymore, you know that the baby keeps tugging all the time, you are always on your feet and at times you may need to breastfeed the baby. It’s simply more comfortable if the clothes are roomy. You notice, most of the clothes you picked are casual wear. You won’t be dressing up for a party any time soon so you don’t need a cocktail dress, you convince yourself of that. You haven’t picked up any stylish hair accessories. These days the most comfortable hairdo at home is a big bun and outside is a ponytail. You choose flats over heels this time, it is tough to walk in heels carrying your kid, yeah, we all agree.

Being a mother makes us do things we would have never done before. You realize you are making these different choices. You know that you are getting ready ten times faster and sometimes even without looking at the mirror. All you do is, put on some clothes, tie the hair and you are off. Days of spending time on getting that winged-style eyeliner right are gone. The maximum you manage is a lip balm, sitting in the car. You spend all that time which you saved on dressing up your baby. You change his clothes until you think he is comfortable. You pack the baby bag, diapers, and water... boiled and cooled, baby food, cut fruits, snacks, activity sheets, crayons, hand sanitizer, wet tissues and an extra set of clothes. Did I miss something? I hope not, because we need it all. The baby bag is heavier than our handbag. And with that, we develop biceps and become seasoned weight lifters. Most of the times, you ask yourself. “Do I need a handbag?” It’s a balancing feat; carrying kids, their bag, a shopping bag and a handbag. You know it by now that you won’t be needing most of the stuff inside your handbag when you have a baby along. Makeup, earphones, a book...nope, not a chance. So, let’s just take that wallet and stuff it into the baby bag. Phew!!! One bag less to carry!

 You choose comfort and convenience over style. Once my close friend pointed it out to me that I have the same ‘mommy’ look for all occasions. We were meeting for a quick coffee and I had my baby in the pram and the elder one tagging along. I prepared dinner, managed to wake them up early from their afternoon nap, (and faced the consequent crying) bathed them, got them dressed, changed the little one’s diaper twice, changed my elder one’s shirt because he spilt juice on it. I packed their snacks and water for the car, and finally, I choose the most comfortable attire whenever I am with my baby, Jeans and a shirt. I tied my hair up and we were ready to go. When I met my friend, she saw me and said, “Is this what you have started wearing? This loose shirt? And let your hair down! You are looking old in this hairdo. “

“Yeah, but the hair really bothers…” I wanted to explain.

But she didn’t let me finish” Don’t make excuses. You really used to dress better earlier and now it looks like you just don’t bother.”

I had no idea how to explain it to her that I just don’t feel like it sometimes. When you wear a nicely pressed Kurta, the next moment the kids want to sit on your lap and make it look like it was tied into a knot for ages with all those wrinkles.  If you decide not to tie your hair, it is going to get pulled, plucked or maybe the baby would choose to put it in his mouth and taste it. We already have hair loss post-delivery and whatever hair is left will have saliva and vomit in it. Necklaces and watches prick the baby. Heels hurt my feet. I wish I told her all of this but I knew she would not really understand till it happens to her so decided to just smile and let it slide.

“Next time”, I said, making her happy.

Honestly, why do we put so much pressure on mothers? People change, their likes and dislikes change, so does their dressing. We can actually choose to compliment the mother saying she is looking nice. No one sees the kind of planning it needs, right from the night earlier, to have everything go smoothly the day she plans an outing for herself. It may have been a tough day for her with kids but she didn’t cancel, did she? Every single day, the mothers think about how they have changed after the baby, and how they look. They don’t need to hear it from others.

Once the baby grows up, we don’t carry them in our arms so much and they are weaned, so once again we can wear what we really want and the hair gets a bit more attention too. When it happened to me, I never went back to heels though. I said goodbye to them forever. Flats had proven to a true friend. I never let go of them.

It takes a lot of courage to accept changes, especially unwanted ones. It is tougher to accept the changes the baby brings in your life goals.

There are so many issues that make mothers feel low. One of them is her neglected career. Every mother out there has worked very hard as a student to get the perfect score, land a big job or start a business and one day suddenly she feels, rather is made to feel that she needs to give up on that. Some manage to hang on and walk a tight rope balancing work, home and the baby.
Those working never get exempted from housework, even with helping husbands. The mental load never gets shared. Few choose to stay back home. The choice has never been easy. You can never really point out what is the reason behind that decision. Some of us follow the husband, who keeps taking up work in different cities. Some have sick elders at home to look after, some cannot afford daycare while others keep trying but never get a job that suits their needs. Either it's too far, or there is work in shifts. Women have a long checklist to follow before they start working again after kids are born.

Sometimes, the wait is too long and they just give up. Along with the career that fades, we tend to lose sight of ourselves, of who we truly are. Everyone starts seeing us only as a wife and mother. You may have been a career-oriented woman but after the baby, you may want to stay back home. This change will not be a surprise to others but more for you. There will be days when you feel everything is lost, your career, your identity, that you have wasted your education. It gets difficult to find work when it’s a long career break, which has been spent, without acquiring any new skill. So, when you do find something that works for you and you have no option but send your child to the daycare, do it! 

 I still remember as a child, I never liked the idea of going to daycare. I started going there when I was less a year old and continued for a few years until my parents thought I was old enough to be at home alone. As both of them were working full time it was the only option for them. It was not the case that the caretaker was horrible. In fact, she was a very caring, sincere and responsible lady. She would look after the kids with great affection. Even then, I wondered why my mother didn't stay home to look after me like many others who did. I never asked the same about my father. Fathers must go to work, that’s what I knew then.  

Much later in life, I understood their decision, their choices. Back then there was never so much discussion in forums and clubs, actively talking on working women, equality and sharing the household responsibilities. It was all quiet. It was an understanding between the husband and the wife. I am sure my mother felt a range of emotions as she sent me to the daycare every day. She must have been worried, felt guilty, must have asked herself,” Is it worth it?”. It must have been difficult for my father to support her decision, to encourage her to keep going. It meant he had to be there, at home, in the kitchen or helping me and my sister with homework. They made it all seem effortless, they had worked out the perfect balance, between their work, household chores and their hobbies. At the same time, they have us the best they could, making us feel special and loved, every minute when they were around. They never ignored our requests for bedtime stories saying they are too tired or never missed a PTM in school saying they are busy. When we fell sick, it was not just my mother’s responsibility to take leave from work, my dad used to stay home too. When everyone around you is questioning your decisions today, especially when mothers are made to feel guilty if they choose to work even after having kids, I feel proud, I feel thankful and I really appreciate my parents for  this lesson on parenting. Leaving children in day-care for your career does not make you a bad parent.

Women meet at playgrounds and schools and the conversations always revolve around the children, their health, activities or household work and food. If we talk about getting back to work, we never express how we truly feel. Those who want to work, are maybe trapped at home and a few others who want to quit may not be able to, they have to support the family. Some keep living in this deep regret while others accept the change and find their happiness again. Either way, we struggle to establish ourselves as individuals, trying not to limit our identity to being a mother.

At times, we do find traces of our old ‘self’. We see mothers helping out the kids, even their classmates with science projects. Some teach the kids in the neighbourhood to bake cakes, in summer holidays. Some help the kids with math and languages. Some ladies offer fantastic advice on saving money. We all have an artist, mathematician, baker, banker around us. Next time, call out that person for their talent. And see the smile on the face. Nothing beats that. While we are all in it together, let us try and encourage each other, let us try and not limit our conversations to the kids the next time. Let us discuss books, politics or learn a new skill from one another. Let us plan more trips and outings together. Mothers definitely need a day out!