5 Your kid, my kid

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Among other things, motherhood is probably one of the best soft skills training which sharpens many of your skills such as time management, leadership skills, problem-solving capabilities etc. Resolving a fight between your child and another one in the park, while all the other mothers are watching is one of the trickiest situations which helps you excel at diplomacy.

The reason why your child and his friend have become sworn enemies, is irrelevant. What you need to do is, repeat standard statements such as:

 “Kids, say sorry to each other, you are friends…it was a mistake”

“She is your friend, share your toys”

“You can all play here, take turns…” or something similar. You should not give up until the children get bored of listening to you resolve their fight and finally, realize that it is better to be friends and run away from you.
You may also warn your own child of the consequences if he does not stop fighting. One such acceptable warning (in public) is as follows:

“I will not allow you to go play for 1 day/ 3 days/ a week (progressing depending on his stubbornness to give in).

However, when it comes to the other kid, you have to be the sweetest and use the choosiest of words to convey the same message to give up fighting. You may not raise your voice. Most importantly, keep smiling.
Once you are back that the park bench, make it look like it was nothing. You must declare that you effortlessly resolved the issue, got the children to be best friends again. Do not give out any details about which child was at fault, who is the worst behaved or anything like that.

There is no point disclosing this information which only brings unhappiness to the mother concerned. It is an unsaid agreement between mothers to look out for each other’s children, scold them if necessary, and be assured that the other mothers are not going to judge you for that. We all know that it must be for some good, to protect the children from something dangerous, like touching an electrical pole in the park. All the children are the same here, they are all, at some point going to misbehave. So, we mothers are a team there, we are all in it together.

 Having said that, there are times when we literally dissect and criticize the parenting skills of the mother who isn’t there at the park on a particular day. There are mothers who proudly announce that their children eat all-natural, only natural stuff. Do we believe it? Not at all. There are those new mothers who say that their children do not know what chocolate is. Yes, we say, wait till he goes to school. No mother having two or more kids will probably say that. They are at a stage where if the child agrees to two spoons of rice for one M&M, we will rejoice and happily comply.

 New mothers have patience, they will shield the child from everything possible, and however as they start growing up or the second one arrives, all the patience vanishes. You just want to make sure the kid is safe and healthy; he is eating enough good stuff. You stop getting up and running to the child every time he falls in the park. You shout sitting on the park bench” You are brave. Come on, get up” and we get back to our conversation with the other mommies.

As the children grow up, you start expecting them to behave in a certain way and be the best at what they do. You start pushing them into all classes, learn guitar, learn karate, and go join weekend robotics. You start worrying over their exam results. You start comparing. Your child’s and achievements versus his peers. You get worried and frustrated over his lower grades, or cry foul if he doesn’t win some poetry recitation competition. We know it’s wrong, we know it’s not fair. We don’t show these emotions to our child. We say” well done, you will win the next time” and pat him on the back for participating.

The failure bothers you more. You start blaming yourself. I must be doing something wrong, or maybe I am not doing enough. How does the other lady manage it all? She seems to have everything under control, her child’s behaviour, his grades, his food, and the house!

 Being a mother is a tough job which is not appreciated enough. There is a no-growth as such, no appraisals, no recognition, and no interaction with people beyond a certain group, no monetary gain of course and is very monotonous. The contests, events that your child participates in bring you excitement, it gives you a chance to prove something, to others and to yourself. You put your heart and soul in the preparation and the child’s achievement becomes yours. They give you happiness, challenge, the appreciation that you crave for.

Mothers who are not working outside are very lonely these days. Being a nuclear family and staying in a city where you have no relatives or friends, perhaps in a place where you don’t know the local language, makes it tougher for you to meet new people, and interactions do not go beyond greeting one another. At such a point, when all your work and time is invested in your child, you feel like you need to rewarded, recognized for your masterpiece: your child. The failures of your child lead to mothers envying one another, sometimes even chiding your own child.

I have been fortunate to find friends while I went through these tough emotions. All you need is someone to hear you out when you are having a bad day. We mothers have a deep understanding of what we go through individually, and we assume that the other one has it better. Trust me no one has it better. We can go beyond thinking it is some kind of competition or race as to who has it all under control and rather just be companions in this journey.