8 Separation and reunions

One of the most dreaded events in a child’s life is going away from its mother. It hurts the little one’s heart, it’s a painful sight to see too. The child pleads, cries, howls, throws himself at its mother, not knowing that sometimes she is going away just for a couple of minutes. It doesn’t matter to him. Minutes or hours. The instant someone else tries to carry the child, taking him away from the mother, hell breaks loose. In fact, it doesn’t have to be someone else taking him away; if a child does not see his mother beside him after he wakes up from sleep, he is going to cry! Separation is tough. Both for children and their mothers. Children do not have a sense of time as such and tend to settle down in a while. But the mothers live every minute away, worrying.

The only thing which makes it all tolerable and beautiful is the reunion. The sweet smile on a baby’s face, a toddler running as fast as he can towards his mother, or even a teenager feeling relieved seeing his mother and asking “where were you? I have been looking for you!” It all shows the same; the bond thriving on never-ending love and care. The children are eager to go back into their mother’s arms but I guess the mothers look forward to the reunions more.

They work like magic on mothers who are tired after a long day of work, they give them a sense of relief that the child is now back in their safe hands; somehow every mother believes no one else can take care of her child the way she does. The mothers do look forward for a break from babysitting, from all that hard work and dependency, from all the tantrums and drama. They long to go back to their careers or even just a few hours of quiet and peace. But believe me when I say, the minute we mothers are alone, we don’t know what to do really.

Not a minute goes by without thinking of the little one. If he is OK, if he has eaten, slept, pooped? Is he playing? Is he running too fast? Is he safe? And then the strong urge to just leave what you are doing and go back to the baby. That’s why probably mothers are always a bit early to pick up their kids from school and daycare centres.

Even after the children grow up and move out for education, work, or marriage, the mothers find it tough to let go. They drown themselves in worry, they make daily calls to check on their children, they need to know when the kids are coming home to visit them next. The wait for that day patiently, and as the day gets closer you see them in action. They will clean up the whole house, stock up everything their children like, plan the week’s menu loaded with their special favourite dishes and so much more. Once you are home, you will receive feedback on how you look, how you dress, and they always feel you don’t do eat right and work too much. Mothers also have secret agendas; to make you visit the relatives, give you a lecture on settling down in life, on saving money.

If you have kids of your own, then it’s a bliss. Our mothers will take charge of your kids and you don’t have to worry at all. Everything will happen smoothly and you will enjoy the break, the quiet, and being alone and the downtime. You will wonder if you ever drove your mother crazy the way your kids do; the answer will always be yes. Your mother will tell you that you were such a brat and her grandkids are angels.

When it’s time to head back home for you, your bag will be heavier with all the goodies she packed, you will weigh heavier after eating all the calorie-loaded food that she cooked for you and your heart will be full of all the love she showered on you.

7 Pink and blue

Yes, I bought everything blue for my son. None of his clothes ever had a hint of pink or purple or even a lace on it. I never found a pink coloured shoe pair, socks with laces or a shirt with hearts printed in the boy’s section. Finding a Barbie there was out of the question. Whereas the girls' section had pink spilling over from all counters; clothes, shoes, stationery, toys. Most of the toys were even packed in pink cardboard boxes. Having said this, I never actually told my son that, “Pink is for girls and blue for boys”

Yet, one day while hunting for a gift for my son's classmate, a girl, I spent just an extra minute looking at the toy cars. And there it came,” No! Ma, we cannot buy a car for her! Girls like dolls! I want to give her a pink one”. I was surprised to hear this from my son with whom I never had discussed all this. Where this knowledge about cars did are not meant for girls come from? Who told him? Did I ever utter something which made him think so or was it someone else who discouraged him when he picked something pink earlier?

I had never given this much thought earlier. Now when I look at my childhood photos, I realize my parents never really followed this colour code. Nor did my uncles and aunts. Me, my cousins even my friends were dressed in all possible colours. My brother is seen wearing a hat with lace and my cousin sister is holding a car in her hand in one of the old photographs.

If I look around now, however, it has all changed. A little boy holding a Barbie would be stared at and girls are never gifted cars, robot toys but only dolls, kitchen sets and DIY jewellery kits.

It didn’t matter earlier, but now I realize how my choices are influencing my kids. My heart sinks every time my son reminds me to buy a blue kinder joy chocolate egg and not a pink one. As parents, do we really have a choice? I can only imagine the disbelief and disappointment if I would ever try and give my son a pink one.

I always ask my son and husband to help around in the house, hoping I am bringing equality into practice. However, it’s a long way to go before I can actually show my son the same happening in the neighbouring houses or even in my own extended family. The bar is set so low for men that it is a big deal if they manage to cook dal rice or do a load of laundry in the washing machine. Whereas the girls need to be master chefs, all the housework they do goes unappreciated and their career ambitions are kept under check right from childhood.

Honestly, I feel our parents and grandparents had the roles and responsibilities sorted. These days we all preach equality while we are still struggling to truly understand it ourselves and bring it into our own houses.

Women can work, yes, but only if the household is running smoothly. Breakfast, lunch, dinner should be ready, children should be looked after, their studies and extracurricular activities should be taken care of, and the husbands’ schedule should not be disturbed. If everything is handled well then yes, please go pursue your career. This is the reality that the mothers face. They are so exhausted with this double shift that they let go of one job, the one outside the house.

It is only after we get it right ourselves and change that we can truly teach our kids gender equality. It is something that they will learn from the community, not from the parents alone. 

6 In sickness and in health

Unlike all other promises that we make, which we tend to bend and break, the promises that we make to our children,(not to them directly! That candy you promised. Forget about it!) …yes so, the promises we make to them especially when they are still in the womb are never broken. We take those early promises, like” I will protect you and take care of you all my life and guard you against all the bad and evil things in the world” very seriously.

Right from day one we wash the babies clothes with disinfectants, scream at anyone who sneezes in the baby’s room, we have hand sanitizers all over the house, we wipe and clean all cupboards, floors every two hours when they start walking, we boil and cool their drinking water, we wash and scrub them every time they come back from the park, we deny them candies, ice creams, roadside food and lock them up in the house if we know there is HFMD going around among school kids. We do everything we can think of and yet the children fall sick. The first time they have a fever, cold and cough we are lost. We run to the doctor, monitor the temperature, keep records of it and pamper the child to the core. Slowly we learn to administer a few basic medicines and dare to wait for 3 days before going to the doctor, we give them a dose of medicine and send them to school anyway. We know when they are really sick and when they are faking it to bunk school. In any case, it is never easy for a mother to see her child getting sick… Our heart bleeds every time they complain of pain, we feel so helpless. We act strong and keep telling them that they’re going to be okay soon but we have this fear ourselves, we hope are pray every minute that it doesn’t get worse. We want our kids up and running ASAP. We leave all the housework aside, take leave from office and sit with them day and night just to keep them company. Nothing and no one is more important at that time. Once they get better, we are relived. The next day we miss the quiet house and start wishing that they sit in one place at least for a minute.

The reverse happens when you are sick, you want to sit down and do nothing, never get out of the bed and you want all the housework and cooking to be taken care of, by someone, by anyone…you want a fairy to come and make all the work disappear, you want her to make your children well behaved and mainly you want her to make it all quiet in the house, you don’t want to hear all that crying and howling. You just want to become invisible to everyone so that no one bothers you, you don’t need anyone to pamper you or look after you, and you just want them to leave you alone. That never happens.

You get out of bed, earlier than usual because you could never sleep in the first place, you cook, you get the kids ready, do all the housework, go to office and work, come back home, work again, and finally crash in bed, late after everyone is fast asleep hoping you get at least that 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep.

It is not that no one notices that you are sick, children will ask you,” what happened mummy?” and might even be the pretend doctor and give you a fake injection. They will run and get you a glass of water and ask “Are you feeling better now?” You wish that was enough to make you better. You lie and say you are all okay, thanks to the little doctor at home. Your husband will come and hand you a tablet to pop in, will offer to take you to the doctor too, but you know that kids cannot be left alone and you don’t want a family trip to the hospital where you will end up having more trouble keeping them entertained while you wait to see the doctor. You choose to stay at home.

 Being a mother gets you a lot of love, but it never gets you the rest you need. On days like this when you just want to lie in bed, the children just choose to be around you all the time. You want them around of course but you want that silence and sleep more which is then a deal-breaker to having their company.

Mothers always carry a lot of guilt, for the tiniest of things. On the days like these when they are unwell, it multiplies and you end up blaming yourself for falling sick as if you are not allowed to do that, you will blame the timing of the sickness, asking yourself why couldn’t it happen after my son’s exams? You will be unhappy about the gravity, a cold would have sufficed, why the fever and cough? With cold I could have managed to do more. You get worried and anxious as if your children are starving, seeing them (happily) eat a simple bread toast which your husband has managed to prepare. You see the laundry piling up and get scared that children will have to run out of clean clothes the next day. That’s not true, you have all those new ones lying around still with the price tag on, remember? Ah, but make sure to ask your husband to get their school uniforms washed and ironed, you don’t have many sets of those, do you? Leave from office is reserved only for children’s sickness, and now when you really are looking and feeling like shit, you will still show up at work. You come back home, help them with their homework, prepare dinner, put them to bed, again swallow a pill and hope that tomorrow you feel better, not for yourself, but because you can’t see the kids suffer eating the food ordered in and late bedtimes. (Which they are actually enjoying, no surprise there).So that is the story, we remain caregivers 24*7, no matter what else changes around us or within us. That is the promise you have made to your child, “I will look after you in (my) sickness and in health too”

5 Your kid, my kid

Photo by RUN 4 FFWPU from Pexels

Among other things, motherhood is probably one of the best soft skills training which sharpens many of your skills such as time management, leadership skills, problem-solving capabilities etc. Resolving a fight between your child and another one in the park, while all the other mothers are watching is one of the trickiest situations which helps you excel at diplomacy.

The reason why your child and his friend have become sworn enemies, is irrelevant. What you need to do is, repeat standard statements such as:

 “Kids, say sorry to each other, you are friends…it was a mistake”

“She is your friend, share your toys”

“You can all play here, take turns…” or something similar. You should not give up until the children get bored of listening to you resolve their fight and finally, realize that it is better to be friends and run away from you.
You may also warn your own child of the consequences if he does not stop fighting. One such acceptable warning (in public) is as follows:

“I will not allow you to go play for 1 day/ 3 days/ a week (progressing depending on his stubbornness to give in).

However, when it comes to the other kid, you have to be the sweetest and use the choosiest of words to convey the same message to give up fighting. You may not raise your voice. Most importantly, keep smiling.
Once you are back that the park bench, make it look like it was nothing. You must declare that you effortlessly resolved the issue, got the children to be best friends again. Do not give out any details about which child was at fault, who is the worst behaved or anything like that.

There is no point disclosing this information which only brings unhappiness to the mother concerned. It is an unsaid agreement between mothers to look out for each other’s children, scold them if necessary, and be assured that the other mothers are not going to judge you for that. We all know that it must be for some good, to protect the children from something dangerous, like touching an electrical pole in the park. All the children are the same here, they are all, at some point going to misbehave. So, we mothers are a team there, we are all in it together.

 Having said that, there are times when we literally dissect and criticize the parenting skills of the mother who isn’t there at the park on a particular day. There are mothers who proudly announce that their children eat all-natural, only natural stuff. Do we believe it? Not at all. There are those new mothers who say that their children do not know what chocolate is. Yes, we say, wait till he goes to school. No mother having two or more kids will probably say that. They are at a stage where if the child agrees to two spoons of rice for one M&M, we will rejoice and happily comply.

 New mothers have patience, they will shield the child from everything possible, and however as they start growing up or the second one arrives, all the patience vanishes. You just want to make sure the kid is safe and healthy; he is eating enough good stuff. You stop getting up and running to the child every time he falls in the park. You shout sitting on the park bench” You are brave. Come on, get up” and we get back to our conversation with the other mommies.

As the children grow up, you start expecting them to behave in a certain way and be the best at what they do. You start pushing them into all classes, learn guitar, learn karate, and go join weekend robotics. You start worrying over their exam results. You start comparing. Your child’s and achievements versus his peers. You get worried and frustrated over his lower grades, or cry foul if he doesn’t win some poetry recitation competition. We know it’s wrong, we know it’s not fair. We don’t show these emotions to our child. We say” well done, you will win the next time” and pat him on the back for participating.

The failure bothers you more. You start blaming yourself. I must be doing something wrong, or maybe I am not doing enough. How does the other lady manage it all? She seems to have everything under control, her child’s behaviour, his grades, his food, and the house!

 Being a mother is a tough job which is not appreciated enough. There is a no-growth as such, no appraisals, no recognition, and no interaction with people beyond a certain group, no monetary gain of course and is very monotonous. The contests, events that your child participates in bring you excitement, it gives you a chance to prove something, to others and to yourself. You put your heart and soul in the preparation and the child’s achievement becomes yours. They give you happiness, challenge, the appreciation that you crave for.

Mothers who are not working outside are very lonely these days. Being a nuclear family and staying in a city where you have no relatives or friends, perhaps in a place where you don’t know the local language, makes it tougher for you to meet new people, and interactions do not go beyond greeting one another. At such a point, when all your work and time is invested in your child, you feel like you need to rewarded, recognized for your masterpiece: your child. The failures of your child lead to mothers envying one another, sometimes even chiding your own child.

I have been fortunate to find friends while I went through these tough emotions. All you need is someone to hear you out when you are having a bad day. We mothers have a deep understanding of what we go through individually, and we assume that the other one has it better. Trust me no one has it better. We can go beyond thinking it is some kind of competition or race as to who has it all under control and rather just be companions in this journey.

4 The Gadget Gurus

I stood at the door impatiently as an old neighbour went on with her story about her grandson. The one who is just 3 years old but manages to unlock her phone with pattern lock, the smart one who knows which is the TV remote and brings it to her every time she asks for it and the little genius who opens YouTube on his mother’s iPad without any help to watch cartoons and yet is not ‘addicted’ to gadgets like my kids.

“Yes, Aunty! (I got your point) ” I replied.

“It is not good for them dear. They are adorable kids. See, they haven’t troubled you at all in the past one hour while we were talking” she said, probably to make me feel better.

I managed to smile thinking if I should tell her that the silence was only possible because I gave them each a phone and a tablet and pushed them in their room along with a steady supply of junk food. However, I did not disclose this secret to her thinking I should save her junk food lecture for her next visit.

As I closed the door I went from “mummy in front of others” to “mummy alone with kids’ avatar. Within seconds I felt like I was at a war. I realized that all the household work was behind schedule and the kids have been with their gadgets for long. Mothers are always in a hurry. They always have worked lined up and keep jumping from one task to another. They happen to always ‘see’ the pending work which is invisible to others in the house. Just I was about to start with the mission a selfish thought came to my mind. How about I let the kids watch a little longer while I finish the pending work. I knew, once the screens were off, they were going to be suddenly hungry, needy and clingy. After an intense analysis, I decided to finish work first before I start my negotiations to turn off phones with them. I was ready to live with the guilt that decision brought me. For anyone who would have questioned me, this was survival mechanism. The house needs to survive, the kids need to survive and most importantly my sanity needs to survive.

I was done quickly, sooner than I imagined and thought to myself, how about I have coffee in peace for a change and then deal with their gadgets? But mothers’ needs are never a priority compared to children’s well-being (and the guilt was getting heavy on heart) so I skipped the coffee plan and headed to the kids’ room.

My presence there was of course not acknowledged. I called out their names' number of times in an increasing volume. Finally, I got a reply “What!?”

“Well, you have been watching for long so it’s time to turn your phone and tablet off. Let’s finish the homework or go to the park to play.” I said very calmly hoping if I will be in the good books if I gave them an option of choosing between homework and play.

“No”.

“You don’t have a choice then. Give me the phone back. Go and solve some puzzle book or play down in the park”. I commanded this time.

“No”

Well, that didn’t work.  I decided to try bribing. I told the Lil one that she can wear her princess dress the whole day, even while sleeping and she readily agreed.

One down! Yay!

The elder one was about to ask for 5 more minutes when I said it first. Take them by the element of surprise: I read in the book, ‘The 33 strategies of war’.

“You have 5 minutes. Show me what you are doing”

I got a big smile from him and the next moment I started receiving an immense amount of information starting from filters for pictures, PUBG and tips to organize my Apps better so that he can find games easily.  I thought this is probably the most interesting topic to have a long conversation with my kids as for everything else I get a yes or a no.

My thought process was interrupted by his question thrown at me,” Do you know how to make play slime?”

“No, I don’t”

“It’s okay. I know how to find it out”. Within the next few minutes, my son had already listed down what he needs after watching YouTube tutorials on the slime. I was informed that we didn’t have most of the ingredients like borax and food colour at home. I tried to dodge the shopping trip for later when he came up with an immediate solution and gave me back my phone. I saw that he had already selected and added the items in my Amazon cart and he nudged me to initiate the payment. I was amazed and wondered how and when he had picked up on these things.

We finished our on-line shopping and went into the living room. I got comfortable on the bean bag and reached out to my phone again to socialize and let my friends know that I liked what they had for lunch and what they wore. I came across yet another article saying that children should not be given gadgets at all. I wished someone wrote how important it is for parents to introduce them to technology. They needed to know and it was the need of the hour else it would be terribly unfair to them not giving them this exposure. There are amazing documentaries on space, animals, sea world, science on the Internet that my son really enjoys watching and is only adding to his knowledge. Yes, he could learn from books, but the real-life visuals are stunning. They need to know how things like the Internet, smartphones, computers work. There are lovely shows exploring how things are made,taking you inside various factories and every time I watch it with my kids I wish I knew that. Don’t we resort to Google to ask about things we don't know? Do we really open an Encyclopedia every time? I believe in balance. In the allotted screen time, let them decide whether they are going to play games or watch a show. Households without televisions, kids who have never handled gadgets…well, I really think its bit far fetched. As long as you still have the final word on the screen time, and they are actively playing outside or practising some sport and studying of course,  I guess its all good.  I wonder how we would have been without video games, or without those hours spent watching Mahabharat, Shaktimaan or even the lovely Chitrahaar. Would I have been a better person than I am now? I know Shaktimaan didn't do any damage for sure!:)

 I thought of writing my opinion in the comments section of the article but then I let it go thinking every mother knows what is best for her child.

Just then the granny staying on the floor above me rang the doorbell. As I let her in, she started telling me how she misses her grandkids when they were little. She told me that they are now working in big companies and her son and daughter in law were very busy with their jobs too. She seemed a bit restless and I asked her if everything was okay.

She showed me her Nokia phone, the basic model and told me that it fell from her hand and broke. She was very worried that her family must be trying to reach her and she didn’t know to fix her phone. I offered to take a look at it but the task seemed more interesting to my kids who overheard our conversation.

They quickly took it from her hand and declared that it is not a big issue. My son put the battery back in, the back cover in its place and the little one pressed the ‘On’ button. As the welcome tune was played and the screen lit up, so did the granny’s face. She told me how smart my kids were and kept praising their generation for being so good with technology. I tried to tell her that I sometimes feel they might get addicted to it. She smiled and said” Don’t worry. They need to know what’s happening around them in their time. Weren’t you playing video games for long when you were small? I am sure you are controlling the time they spend with the phones. Don’t be so harsh on yourself. It’s all good. I hear you scolding them sometimes and it is needed.”

We talked for a little longer and she left. I felt much better and confident about my parenting style. Her words were comforting. She reminded me that there is no right or wrong parenting style, every house has its own rules. Just like we say every child is unique, why have the same set of parenting rules for everyone? Every mother has a different set of beliefs, strengths and challenges. Why can’t anyone just have faith in the mothers instead of pointing out their flaws? Having said that, mothers need to have faith in themselves first. No mother will let the kids overuse the gadgets, especially as we are aware the ill effects of prolonged use ourselves. 

I turned back to see my son grinning. I realized that he knew, that it was a good time to get all that praise from me and probably tell me “See, I told you, you need to let me have the phone and TV longer.” I decided to shake off the doubt, worry and guilt the topic and celebrate the fact that the kids had probably learned a thing or two from exploring gadgets. So, I asked him if he could show me how to code and build a game like he did a couple of days earlier with his father.

He said excitedly” Of course! I will teach you.”

“Thank you Guruji,” I said smilingly.

3 Lost and found: My shape, my sense of fashion and my identity

It is no surprise that we all worry about how many kilograms we put on during pregnancy and how many we will manage to shed afterwards. Our mother and mother-in-law will make sure we look like pumpkins by the end of the second trimester. They say we need to eat for two. Initially, I found it ridiculous. Later as I was always hungry, I did it anyway. I saw it as the only opportunity to eat your favourite food to your heart’s content without watching the calories:)

Thoughts on how we are going to lose all this extra weight are pushed away during that time as we are busy reading books on pregnancy and the baby. The minute the baby is pushed out into the world, everyone is suddenly concerned about your football-shaped tummy. They will point it out to you every second and give tips, use a belt, start exercising and control what you eat. You feel the pressure. New mothers spend sleepless nights not only because of the baby but also because of this stress. We no longer feel beautiful. When we look at ourselves in the mirror all we see is stretch marks,under-eye dark circles, and fat. There is no time to eat or sleep for mothers in nuclear families, let alone exercise. Those who have some family support, have it better, but still exercise does not top the priority list. As the little ones start growing up, we get busy with their health, food, sleep. We even start worrying about school admissions but we do not find time for ourselves. Sometimes we stress-eat, like a bar of chocolate just to make you feel better on a tough day. It all adds up and the day when you upload your picture with the kid, you drown in sorrow. Heartless and insensitive people who are your ‘friends’ on social media post comments like," You are as chubby as the baby! Much love!”, “Are you pregnant again?”

You decide to ignore at first, then you feel like clearing their doubt, finally, you just post smileys and say thank you and then cry alone at night. You decide to start exercising and eating better. It works on some days but other days you are just so tired. You lack sleep, you are not eating on time, you have housework piled up, the baby is sick. You feel you have lost it all. No one tells you that it’s okay to put on a few kilos, give yourself time and wait till you are ready. Being a mother is a hard and thankless job. There, I said it!

Trust me a day will come when you feel that you have better control over the situation and that day you will start working on yourself. You will make time to work out, you will eat right and lose that extra baggage. Of course, for most of us, we are never going to look the same again. We all wonder how celebrities manage to get back in shape. Maybe if we have dietitian, a nanny and a stylist with us around the clock we can compete. But we don’t. It is a one-woman show. So let’s be practical. We want to be fit and healthy, that’s the first goal. Fitting into the Jeans you wore before the baby that comes next.  Feeling good again is all that matters. Look at the brighter side; as the old clothes don’t fit you, you get to shop. How good a deal is that! Throw in a pair of shoes you like, that perfume you always wanted and maybe a cool handbag in that shopping cart along with the clothes. Afterall only a  happy mother can raise happy children, isn't it?

Once you are back from the shopping and have laid all the new clothes on the bed, it will dawn upon you that this time you have picked up clothes in sizes larger than you actually need. You reason that you just don’t want them too tight anymore, you know that the baby keeps tugging all the time, you are always on your feet and at times you may need to breastfeed the baby. It’s simply more comfortable if the clothes are roomy. You notice, most of the clothes you picked are casual wear. You won’t be dressing up for a party any time soon so you don’t need a cocktail dress, you convince yourself of that. You haven’t picked up any stylish hair accessories. These days the most comfortable hairdo at home is a big bun and outside is a ponytail. You choose flats over heels this time, it is tough to walk in heels carrying your kid, yeah, we all agree.

Being a mother makes us do things we would have never done before. You realize you are making these different choices. You know that you are getting ready ten times faster and sometimes even without looking at the mirror. All you do is, put on some clothes, tie the hair and you are off. Days of spending time on getting that winged-style eyeliner right are gone. The maximum you manage is a lip balm, sitting in the car. You spend all that time which you saved on dressing up your baby. You change his clothes until you think he is comfortable. You pack the baby bag, diapers, and water... boiled and cooled, baby food, cut fruits, snacks, activity sheets, crayons, hand sanitizer, wet tissues and an extra set of clothes. Did I miss something? I hope not, because we need it all. The baby bag is heavier than our handbag. And with that, we develop biceps and become seasoned weight lifters. Most of the times, you ask yourself. “Do I need a handbag?” It’s a balancing feat; carrying kids, their bag, a shopping bag and a handbag. You know it by now that you won’t be needing most of the stuff inside your handbag when you have a baby along. Makeup, earphones, a book...nope, not a chance. So, let’s just take that wallet and stuff it into the baby bag. Phew!!! One bag less to carry!

 You choose comfort and convenience over style. Once my close friend pointed it out to me that I have the same ‘mommy’ look for all occasions. We were meeting for a quick coffee and I had my baby in the pram and the elder one tagging along. I prepared dinner, managed to wake them up early from their afternoon nap, (and faced the consequent crying) bathed them, got them dressed, changed the little one’s diaper twice, changed my elder one’s shirt because he spilt juice on it. I packed their snacks and water for the car, and finally, I choose the most comfortable attire whenever I am with my baby, Jeans and a shirt. I tied my hair up and we were ready to go. When I met my friend, she saw me and said, “Is this what you have started wearing? This loose shirt? And let your hair down! You are looking old in this hairdo. “

“Yeah, but the hair really bothers…” I wanted to explain.

But she didn’t let me finish” Don’t make excuses. You really used to dress better earlier and now it looks like you just don’t bother.”

I had no idea how to explain it to her that I just don’t feel like it sometimes. When you wear a nicely pressed Kurta, the next moment the kids want to sit on your lap and make it look like it was tied into a knot for ages with all those wrinkles.  If you decide not to tie your hair, it is going to get pulled, plucked or maybe the baby would choose to put it in his mouth and taste it. We already have hair loss post-delivery and whatever hair is left will have saliva and vomit in it. Necklaces and watches prick the baby. Heels hurt my feet. I wish I told her all of this but I knew she would not really understand till it happens to her so decided to just smile and let it slide.

“Next time”, I said, making her happy.

Honestly, why do we put so much pressure on mothers? People change, their likes and dislikes change, so does their dressing. We can actually choose to compliment the mother saying she is looking nice. No one sees the kind of planning it needs, right from the night earlier, to have everything go smoothly the day she plans an outing for herself. It may have been a tough day for her with kids but she didn’t cancel, did she? Every single day, the mothers think about how they have changed after the baby, and how they look. They don’t need to hear it from others.

Once the baby grows up, we don’t carry them in our arms so much and they are weaned, so once again we can wear what we really want and the hair gets a bit more attention too. When it happened to me, I never went back to heels though. I said goodbye to them forever. Flats had proven to a true friend. I never let go of them.

It takes a lot of courage to accept changes, especially unwanted ones. It is tougher to accept the changes the baby brings in your life goals.

There are so many issues that make mothers feel low. One of them is her neglected career. Every mother out there has worked very hard as a student to get the perfect score, land a big job or start a business and one day suddenly she feels, rather is made to feel that she needs to give up on that. Some manage to hang on and walk a tight rope balancing work, home and the baby.
Those working never get exempted from housework, even with helping husbands. The mental load never gets shared. Few choose to stay back home. The choice has never been easy. You can never really point out what is the reason behind that decision. Some of us follow the husband, who keeps taking up work in different cities. Some have sick elders at home to look after, some cannot afford daycare while others keep trying but never get a job that suits their needs. Either it's too far, or there is work in shifts. Women have a long checklist to follow before they start working again after kids are born.

Sometimes, the wait is too long and they just give up. Along with the career that fades, we tend to lose sight of ourselves, of who we truly are. Everyone starts seeing us only as a wife and mother. You may have been a career-oriented woman but after the baby, you may want to stay back home. This change will not be a surprise to others but more for you. There will be days when you feel everything is lost, your career, your identity, that you have wasted your education. It gets difficult to find work when it’s a long career break, which has been spent, without acquiring any new skill. So, when you do find something that works for you and you have no option but send your child to the daycare, do it! 

 I still remember as a child, I never liked the idea of going to daycare. I started going there when I was less a year old and continued for a few years until my parents thought I was old enough to be at home alone. As both of them were working full time it was the only option for them. It was not the case that the caretaker was horrible. In fact, she was a very caring, sincere and responsible lady. She would look after the kids with great affection. Even then, I wondered why my mother didn't stay home to look after me like many others who did. I never asked the same about my father. Fathers must go to work, that’s what I knew then.  

Much later in life, I understood their decision, their choices. Back then there was never so much discussion in forums and clubs, actively talking on working women, equality and sharing the household responsibilities. It was all quiet. It was an understanding between the husband and the wife. I am sure my mother felt a range of emotions as she sent me to the daycare every day. She must have been worried, felt guilty, must have asked herself,” Is it worth it?”. It must have been difficult for my father to support her decision, to encourage her to keep going. It meant he had to be there, at home, in the kitchen or helping me and my sister with homework. They made it all seem effortless, they had worked out the perfect balance, between their work, household chores and their hobbies. At the same time, they have us the best they could, making us feel special and loved, every minute when they were around. They never ignored our requests for bedtime stories saying they are too tired or never missed a PTM in school saying they are busy. When we fell sick, it was not just my mother’s responsibility to take leave from work, my dad used to stay home too. When everyone around you is questioning your decisions today, especially when mothers are made to feel guilty if they choose to work even after having kids, I feel proud, I feel thankful and I really appreciate my parents for  this lesson on parenting. Leaving children in day-care for your career does not make you a bad parent.

Women meet at playgrounds and schools and the conversations always revolve around the children, their health, activities or household work and food. If we talk about getting back to work, we never express how we truly feel. Those who want to work, are maybe trapped at home and a few others who want to quit may not be able to, they have to support the family. Some keep living in this deep regret while others accept the change and find their happiness again. Either way, we struggle to establish ourselves as individuals, trying not to limit our identity to being a mother.

At times, we do find traces of our old ‘self’. We see mothers helping out the kids, even their classmates with science projects. Some teach the kids in the neighbourhood to bake cakes, in summer holidays. Some help the kids with math and languages. Some ladies offer fantastic advice on saving money. We all have an artist, mathematician, baker, banker around us. Next time, call out that person for their talent. And see the smile on the face. Nothing beats that. While we are all in it together, let us try and encourage each other, let us try and not limit our conversations to the kids the next time. Let us discuss books, politics or learn a new skill from one another. Let us plan more trips and outings together. Mothers definitely need a day out!