8 Separation and reunions

One of the most dreaded events in a child’s life is going away from its mother. It hurts the little one’s heart, it’s a painful sight to see too. The child pleads, cries, howls, throws himself at its mother, not knowing that sometimes she is going away just for a couple of minutes. It doesn’t matter to him. Minutes or hours. The instant someone else tries to carry the child, taking him away from the mother, hell breaks loose. In fact, it doesn’t have to be someone else taking him away; if a child does not see his mother beside him after he wakes up from sleep, he is going to cry! Separation is tough. Both for children and their mothers. Children do not have a sense of time as such and tend to settle down in a while. But the mothers live every minute away, worrying.

The only thing which makes it all tolerable and beautiful is the reunion. The sweet smile on a baby’s face, a toddler running as fast as he can towards his mother, or even a teenager feeling relieved seeing his mother and asking “where were you? I have been looking for you!” It all shows the same; the bond thriving on never-ending love and care. The children are eager to go back into their mother’s arms but I guess the mothers look forward to the reunions more.

They work like magic on mothers who are tired after a long day of work, they give them a sense of relief that the child is now back in their safe hands; somehow every mother believes no one else can take care of her child the way she does. The mothers do look forward for a break from babysitting, from all that hard work and dependency, from all the tantrums and drama. They long to go back to their careers or even just a few hours of quiet and peace. But believe me when I say, the minute we mothers are alone, we don’t know what to do really.

Not a minute goes by without thinking of the little one. If he is OK, if he has eaten, slept, pooped? Is he playing? Is he running too fast? Is he safe? And then the strong urge to just leave what you are doing and go back to the baby. That’s why probably mothers are always a bit early to pick up their kids from school and daycare centres.

Even after the children grow up and move out for education, work, or marriage, the mothers find it tough to let go. They drown themselves in worry, they make daily calls to check on their children, they need to know when the kids are coming home to visit them next. The wait for that day patiently, and as the day gets closer you see them in action. They will clean up the whole house, stock up everything their children like, plan the week’s menu loaded with their special favourite dishes and so much more. Once you are home, you will receive feedback on how you look, how you dress, and they always feel you don’t do eat right and work too much. Mothers also have secret agendas; to make you visit the relatives, give you a lecture on settling down in life, on saving money.

If you have kids of your own, then it’s a bliss. Our mothers will take charge of your kids and you don’t have to worry at all. Everything will happen smoothly and you will enjoy the break, the quiet, and being alone and the downtime. You will wonder if you ever drove your mother crazy the way your kids do; the answer will always be yes. Your mother will tell you that you were such a brat and her grandkids are angels.

When it’s time to head back home for you, your bag will be heavier with all the goodies she packed, you will weigh heavier after eating all the calorie-loaded food that she cooked for you and your heart will be full of all the love she showered on you.

7 Pink and blue

Yes, I bought everything blue for my son. None of his clothes ever had a hint of pink or purple or even a lace on it. I never found a pink coloured shoe pair, socks with laces or a shirt with hearts printed in the boy’s section. Finding a Barbie there was out of the question. Whereas the girls' section had pink spilling over from all counters; clothes, shoes, stationery, toys. Most of the toys were even packed in pink cardboard boxes. Having said this, I never actually told my son that, “Pink is for girls and blue for boys”

Yet, one day while hunting for a gift for my son's classmate, a girl, I spent just an extra minute looking at the toy cars. And there it came,” No! Ma, we cannot buy a car for her! Girls like dolls! I want to give her a pink one”. I was surprised to hear this from my son with whom I never had discussed all this. Where this knowledge about cars did are not meant for girls come from? Who told him? Did I ever utter something which made him think so or was it someone else who discouraged him when he picked something pink earlier?

I had never given this much thought earlier. Now when I look at my childhood photos, I realize my parents never really followed this colour code. Nor did my uncles and aunts. Me, my cousins even my friends were dressed in all possible colours. My brother is seen wearing a hat with lace and my cousin sister is holding a car in her hand in one of the old photographs.

If I look around now, however, it has all changed. A little boy holding a Barbie would be stared at and girls are never gifted cars, robot toys but only dolls, kitchen sets and DIY jewellery kits.

It didn’t matter earlier, but now I realize how my choices are influencing my kids. My heart sinks every time my son reminds me to buy a blue kinder joy chocolate egg and not a pink one. As parents, do we really have a choice? I can only imagine the disbelief and disappointment if I would ever try and give my son a pink one.

I always ask my son and husband to help around in the house, hoping I am bringing equality into practice. However, it’s a long way to go before I can actually show my son the same happening in the neighbouring houses or even in my own extended family. The bar is set so low for men that it is a big deal if they manage to cook dal rice or do a load of laundry in the washing machine. Whereas the girls need to be master chefs, all the housework they do goes unappreciated and their career ambitions are kept under check right from childhood.

Honestly, I feel our parents and grandparents had the roles and responsibilities sorted. These days we all preach equality while we are still struggling to truly understand it ourselves and bring it into our own houses.

Women can work, yes, but only if the household is running smoothly. Breakfast, lunch, dinner should be ready, children should be looked after, their studies and extracurricular activities should be taken care of, and the husbands’ schedule should not be disturbed. If everything is handled well then yes, please go pursue your career. This is the reality that the mothers face. They are so exhausted with this double shift that they let go of one job, the one outside the house.

It is only after we get it right ourselves and change that we can truly teach our kids gender equality. It is something that they will learn from the community, not from the parents alone.